Another sleepless night…
It is almost 4am. I haven’t been able to sleep for hours. It’s amazing the crap you’ll watch on tv when you can’t sleep. LOL. Part of the reason I can’t sleep is my stomach. Dinner did not agree with me. I think I should just give up eating all together. Eh…it’s ok…I’ll live.
My puppy is laying here, sound asleep. I’ve been really down tonight, but whenever I look at his peaceful little face, with those itty bitty eyes closed and his chest going up and down from his little puppy breaths, all curled up on the blanket, I can’t help but smile. It amazes me how healing animals are. I don’t even think they know it either. But when he crawls up on my chest and gives me lots of kisses, it just makes my heart smile. I love it.
So I’m sitting by my window with it openned. The thought process behind this is that maybe the fresh air will tire me out. However, I turned it into a game. The game is…name that sound. I hear the sprinklers from the golf course hitting the trees and road, lots of bugs and some rustling, that I am hoping is just lizards and squirrels and not some big, scary animal. More than anything I want to jump in the pool, but I think if I attempt it the spiders, snakes, frogs and every other creepy crawly will attack me.
I’ve been contemplating my life. It is time to make some changes. First off…I’m gonna start exercising again. Whether it be water aerobics, exercise dvd or walking. Secondly…no more junk food. I am going to eat more veggies and fruit. I need to cut out the cream sauces and cheese sauces. Thirdly…I am going to research and go back to school. Fourth…find somewhere to live that I love. (This may take awhile, I know.) Fifth…get a reliable car and Sixth…find a job where I feel like I am needed and I enjoy.
So yea…it isn’t a completely unreasonable list.
Oh…I want to write more, but I can’t seem to form sentences at the moment. Guess I’ll save it all for tomorrow.
It’s been awhile…
It has been quite awhile since I posted. I haven’t really been in a posting mood, yet I’ve had so much on my mind. I am so frustrated right now. For three days straight I was feeling good finally and sleeping ok. Now I am wide awake. I went to bed early last night and was up at 6:30 like normal, so I should be wiped now, but no….wide freakin awake.
I also feel horrible right now. My sinuses are killing me, which in turn is making my teeth hurt. I am so sick of taking pain killers and stuff, but I guess I’ll have to, if I have any hope of sleeping tonight.
I am tired of living this life. I have to make some changes, but how I don’t know. I think I should just give up. Really…what am I good for? I don’t really affect anyone’s life for the good. I’m just a blah, boring person. I have several family members that hate me. My life consists of working my butt off to keep my job, listening to my mom complain how miserable she is and how I need to fix that for her, listening to my dad complain how miserable his life is and it is all my fault, being walked over by people who take advantage of my caring and niceness, dealing with random body pain, obsessing over money, and taking care of my dog.
I realized that I am so ashamed of myself. I was looking in the mirror in my room earlier and just completely grossed out at how fat I am and how horrible I look. I guess that’s why I didn’t get picked up for the weight loss show, I am just too ugly for tv. I am going to do something about it, but I’ve tried everything. I’m gonna just go back to eating rice and veggies and exercising all the time. Last time I did that, I lost some weight. I skip a lot of meals now. Sometimes I don’t eat one day. I know this is bad, because it screws my metabolism up, but I’m just not hungry. I feel if I’m not hungry, why eat? Right?
I am such a mess right now. At least I can admit it. I guess that’s good, right? Ooo…panick attack starting to set in. Fun fun. Deep breaths…I can get through this. I keep telling myself, only 3 more years and things will be ok. I hope I live through the next three years.
Maybe this will help..
I want to be asleep right now, yet, I was awoken by horrible thoughts and feelings. I feel asleep on the couch tonight watching tv and was sleeping soundly, until I feel off. When I woke up, I had tears pouring out of my eyes and my chest was filled with anxiety. It was horrible. I don’t know what I am anxious about though. Going home to visit a few weeks ago really made me think about a lot of things. It made me realize that I am very happy to not live in Jersey anymore, but I also realized how much I miss my mom.
I think I am still just really unhappy with my life. I hope my job gets better. I’m still looking around, never know what might pop up. I just don’t understand why I can’t find something that makes me really really happy. I’m also rather disenchanted with this part of Florida. I can’t seem to find anything cheap and exciting to do. I don’t know. I just feel so lame lately. I guess it doesn’t help that Ive been feeling like crap. My sinuses and allergies have been going crazy which has led to some wicked headaches and migraines. Sometimes I think there is something more involved but I don’t really want to find out.
I guess I’m pretty bummed out that my dad lost his job too. Tonight when I was talking to him, he told me that he was thinking about something today and realized that I’m his best friend. That was sweet, but the way he treats me sometimes, you’d never know. It made me tear up a little though. It reminded me of some sappy commercial.
I’ve been taking my Welbutrin like I’m suppose to, but I wonder if it is working. I am just uber depressed. I have to desire to do anything. The heat isn’t helping either. My house is pretty damn warm. I’d sleep naked, but I’m always afraid someone is gonna break into my house or there will be an emergency and I’d have to run out of the house and be embarrassed. See…I really worry about too much.
Sigh…I guess I’m gonna try and go back to sleep. I have no desire to go to work tomorrow. I can choose to work from home, but I don’t know…I’ll decide in the morning. I think tomorrow I will call and set up an appointment with a therapist. Maybe that’ll help. I had a great therapist in Orlando, maybe I’ll find a great one here too. I might need my meds upped also.
Randomness
I shall start today’s post with a joke, a rather tasteless joke, but I chuckled when I read it.
What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?
You push them both aside and keep on eating, and if you’re lucky when you finish neither ends up in your teeth!
Giggle!
————————————
So I guess that joke is rather appropriate considering the day I had…wait…that doesn’t sound right. LOL. I was bored today and I went online and started checking out girls profiles on internet dating sites. I’m amazed at the amount of lesbians in this area. However, they all seemed to want skinny, ultra ultra femme girls. I’m not skinny and I don’t wear dresses, so not much luck there for me. Sigh. I checked out boys too, but they are all so old looking to me. Yea…I wasted some time doing that. Then I sent out a few more resumes.
Today was rather uneventful. I didn’t do a lot. I attempted to clean the pool, took the cutest doggie to get a hair cut and bath, went through a box of stuff and watched tv.
Wow…I’m really at a loss for words right now. I guess I’ll just end this here. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have more to write about. I have to get to sleep anyway, because I’m going swimming at 9am!!! Woohoo!!!! I LOVE pool time!
Fevers, piercings and memories…
I have a fever. For real. I woke up about an hour ago and I was really hot, but this was a different hot, not my usual, it is stuffy in the house hot. I felt sick. Not headache or depression sick, for real sick. I found my thermometer and took my temperature. It registered at 101.7. I think that means I have a temp. I usually run a little lower than the standard 98.6. I also threw up and I’m achy. Hopefully it is just a 24 hour thing.
So today was pretty cool. I had two interviews, but my first one got postponed. The guy that was suppose to interview me didn’t come into work. Seriously? You know you have an interview and you just decide to not come in. Oh well, no biggie. I also had to meet with this owner of a tattoo shop. He liked me. I have to go in on Friday for a few hours to see how I mesh at the shop and if I can handle jabbing needles through pieces of flesh. I think it’ll be a good stress reliever, inflicting pain on others…LMAO…totally joking. I think I’ll be good though.
I was thinking about piercing tonight. I don’t think I’ll have a problem piercing most things, ears, noses, tongues, eyebrows, lips, cheeks, nipples, etc… The only thing that worries me and I’m sure I wouldn’t be anywhere ready to do it for a looooooooooong time, is clits and penises. Is it penises or peni? LOL. I’m so random. Anyway…yea…it’s not that I am freaked out about dealing with them, it is just that I wouldn’t want to screw up and be the one that makes them inoperable or insensitive. LOL.
I am really excited about piercing though. My good friend Nikki, who did all my piercings, always fascinated me. I loved looking at her portfolio of all the piercings she had done. I always had this desire to learn how to pierce. I emailed her the other day and she sent me a lot of cool info about piercings. That way I can study up a little before Friday. I think the other really cool thing is that I can just be me at this job. If I want pink hair, I can have pink hair. If I want to be all gothed out one day, I can. It can just express myself however I want. Also, I think it’ll open up my creativity much more.
My last paycheck should be here today, which is good. I called work today to find out where it was, since I didn’t get it yet. It was mailed out yesterday. I need my paycheck, I don’t have any gas left in my car. I got home on fumes. I’ll have just enough to get to the gas station. My gas light actually came on.
I talked to my dad tonight. He’s traveling, again. He was in a pretty decent mood. I think it may not be a business trip, it may be a trip to see one of his women, because he told me not to call him, he’d call me when he had time. If it was just a work trip, he wouldn’t care when I called him. Oh well. Maybe it’ll put him in a good mood and he’ll be nicer to me for a few months.
I kinda feel bad, my mom called me a few times today, but I just wasn’t in the mood to talk. I know that upsets my mom. She knows I am way depressed and she worries. I tried to tell her that I’m feeling better, but she doesn’t believe me. She just wants to move down here.
Losing my job really screwed things up. I was going to go home for the Ukrainian Heritage Festival, July 16th through the 18th. It might be the last one I would be able to go to with my grandma. Now that I’m not working and dad is being my dad, he won’t fly me back. Makes me sad, at least I have some cool memories from the last one.
Four years ago today, July 7th, my grandpa passed away. I can’t believe it. It seems like just yesterday. I miss him very much. My grandpa was a cool guy. He loved me so much. I was his only grandchild and he would do everything with me. I remember when I was 5 or 6, I was sitting on his front porch (it was an enclosed porch) playing with my barbie dolls. I had just gotten this new bbq picnic playset for my barbies. It was cute, it came with a grill, picnic table, cooler, food, etc…I remember it came with little barbie size pepsi bottles. Well my grandpa came in and sat down and started playing barbies with me. My grandpa picked up the little bottle of pepsi and said, what’s this….and I replied…”grandpa, it’s pepsi…you know, the taste of the new generation?” LOL. My mom and dad were standing by the door witnessing this whole thing…my parents and grandpa just laughed and laughed. It may be a silly memory, but it is mine and it makes me smile.
Death sucks. I’ve lost both of my grandfathers and I miss them more and more every day. One of the hardest things being down in here, is that I can’t go to the cemetery. I know, it is kinda weird, but I use to take my grandmothers to the cemetery once or twice a month. I would make flower arrangements for both of my grandfathers’ grave sites. It just kinda made me feel closer to them, even though they are gone.
Ok…I have to think about something else, or else I’m gonna just cry. I think my fever finally broke, because I just got the chills. I did exactly what my mom would have done, if she was here to take my fever down.
Well, I am getting sleepy again, so I’m gonna try and get in a few hours of sleep.
What a dream…
I was sleeping, nice and sound and all of a sudden I woke up in a panic. I was having a horrible dream. In my dream I lost my job, couldn’t pay my rent and got evicted. I had no where to go. I packed up everything into my car and then when I went to leave I didn’t have any gas in my car. I got to WalMart before I ran out of gas. I was stuck in the parking lot there. I called my family, but they acted like they didn’t even know me. I didn’t know what to do. So I was sitting in my car, crying. All of a sudden a police offer knocked on my window. I lowered my window down and he told me to step out of the car. I got out of the car and he forced me into his car. The next thing I know, he was raping me, but somehow I kicked him in the head and stole his gun. Then I went back into my car and shot myself! My dog died too, but I don’t know how. After I died, I didn’t go to heaven or hell or anything like that…I became whole again, so did my dog, only thing was, we were ghosts. Then my dog and I had to wander the earth trying to make it better. I had all these challenges and if I didn’t succeed then someone I cared about was killed. I couldn’t pass any of my challenges, all my loved ones died. Everyone I cared about. Next thing I knew, I had no one left in this world that I loved or that loved me. Then all of a sudden, I wasn’t a ghost anymore and was back on earth as a full alive human being. Only thing was, I had no one. I didn’t know anyone. I still had no job, no money and no gas.
OMG! What a horrible horrible dream. No wonder I woke up panicked. I’m having horrible chest pains right now. Speaking of dreams, I think my night terrors are starting again. I use to suffer from them really badly when I was younger and my parents fought all the time. They died out as I got older, but on occasion they flair up. I noticed the past few nights, I’ve woken up talking, my mouth has been really dry and my pillows, blankets and sheets are completely off my bed.
Whenever I got serious in relationships, I use to have to warn my partners about my night terrors and tell them not to wake me up, just rub my back or something until I calmed down. I only had night terrors with one partner. She was really good with me when I had them.
Oh sigh…I wish I had someone in my life again. I’m tired of being single. Not that I have much to offer them. I’m unemployed right now, but it would sure be nice to have someone. I just want to cuddle up with someone, take a nap on a rainy day, or watch a movie, go to a bar and have a drink or two, while watching everyone. I don’t even know where to look. Like I tell my friends, when the time is right, it’ll happen.
On a good note, I refrained from eating a lot this week, I so lost wait. Stop laughing, seriously, I lost some weight. I actually got into a pair of pants today that I haven’t been able to wear for over a year now. I was really excited about that. I wore them to my interview. My interview went great. The guy was pretty weird who interviewed me. He was nice, but asked me really different interview questions than I’ve been asked in other interviews. He asked me what was my favorite color and why. I picked purple. I explained that I loved the regal, richness of the color. It is color that is full of passion and desire, which is the way I look at life in general. I am passionate about my job and desire to achieve greatness. LOL. Total BS answer, but he liked it. I said more, but I can’t recall all of it right now. He even asked me what animal would describe me best. I said a dog. I’m loyal and sweet, but have a mean bite when needed. LOL. I had to think quick on my feet. I expected the normal where do you see yourself in 5 years type questions. Obviously I did great, because he wants me to meet his boss. He said he would have hired me today if his boss didn’t have to interview me first.
I have to say, I have some of the most amazing people in my life. I don’t even know how to express my thankfulness to my friend A. She has helped me out more than she’ll ever know. I’ve never had someone in my life who has worried, cared and helped me out, as much as she has. Thank you so much A!!!! I don’t know how, but some how I will repay you for everything you’ve done for me!
So my dad doesn’t hate me. He read my email I sent him. My mom thought it was a great letter. My dad never said a word to me about it, but he changed his tune on the phone. Until today….I had to ask him to help me pay my rent. I got a long, abusive lecture, but eventually he agreed to help me. He wouldn’t send me extra though so I could actually buy groceries or put gas in my car. I don’t understand him sometimes. I know, I must sound like a spoiled brat. That’s not it. My life story with him is way too long to go into on a blog, just understand I’m not a spoiled brat. Anyway…my father just doesn’t understand money. He thinks everyone makes tons and tons of money, like he does. He forgets that he is VP of a company. I was basically a glorified secretary. Oh well. Whatever.
How come my body doesn’t like to sleep at night? I can’t figure this out. I should want to sleep all night, so I can enjoy the day, but no….my body wants to stay up all night and sleep all day. I can’t understand why worries and stress hit you worse at night than during the day. Actually, that’s a lie…I think I do understand it. I think at night I stress more, because I can’t do anything about my stresses. During the day, I can do stuff. For instance, if I have no money, during the day I can attempt to sell something or talk to someone about a job to get money, at night, all I can do, is lay in bed and think about the fact that I have no money. Make sense? Also, during the day, I can talk to people and talk my fears and worries out. Also for me, night is the end of the day and the start of a new one, which means, another day that I am unemployed. My days seem to drag on and on, but the night hours go by soooooooo fast. It’s just so confusing.
The one thing I told myself, is, I’m going to try my best to enjoy the weekend, and then next week, I have interviews and if I don’t start work this week coming up, then I am going to give myself things to do every day. I’m gonna start with scrubbing my cottage from the floor to the ceiling. I know I’ll feel better doing that. I am also going to do all my laundry and go through my clothes and get rid of what I don’t want. I have been putting this off, because I’ve been so depressed. I am also going to try and book a jewelry party or two, or maybe at least a show.
I am going to ask my mom if she’ll let me use her credit card so I can order some more jewelry supplies. I’m sure she will let me. She supports my jewelry habit. She knows it is something that relaxes me. Plus by the time her bill comes in, I should have a job and be able to pay her back.
See…stupid shit runs through my mind. You know what is weird…last weekend was Hands Across the Sand and really nothing was heard about it. Kinda strange. I thought it would have been all over the news. Hmmm….I’m gonna have to look into it and see how it went. I missed it. I was dying of heat at the pride parade. The parade was awesome, but I really didn’t handle the heat at all. It was so weird, I’m usually fine in it. It was bad and I felt like such an idiot. I got dizzy and faint. Then I got panicky. Then I couldn’t even walk back to the car. I was so embarrassed. However, my totally awesome friend helped me out. 
Yay and thank you again!
Alright…I’m just rambling about random shit. I’m gonna watch the Cosby Show and hopefully fall asleep for four hours, before I have to wake up.
If I don’t blog before Sunday….Happy July 4th!!!!
What the f did I do?
I’m freaking out right now for three reasons….first, I just killed a huge roach on my closet door. Ew ew ew. Second, I can’t believe I don’t have a job and no income at the moment. Third, I decided to write my dad the letter I wanted to write him. I didn’t just write it, I emailed it to him. Fuck.
Now I am even more stressed out. I was so angry and mad when I was writing the letter. I let everything out. I know there were some low blows in there, I brought up his affair with his secretary and things like that, but I’ve been so hurt by him. Now I’m freaking out, because I just realized that if he takes it the way I’m pretty sure he will, I have completely lost my safety net. Which means…even though I had to go through hell, he would help me and bail me out when I needed it, but now…I have no one to turn to. Fuck. I’m so gonna end up living in my car if I don’t get another job. Oh my god…I am panicked. What was I thinking? Why do I grow balls every so often? They just get me in trouble.
I was actually feeling good today. I had my ups and downs, but in general I felt better. I had a interview that went really well. That was a definite confidence booster. I am looking forward to finding a job that I actually have to go to. Working from home, while it is nice, it isn’t the thing for me at this point in my life. If I had a really nice, big house with an office, it would be great. It’ll be nice to meet other people too and interact with more than one or two people.
I am totally crying right now. I’m so lame. I feel lost. I’m scared. I really feel like I’m royally fucked. It is a really horrifying feeling. I am 31 years old. I shouldn’t feel like a child that is wondering around a store, lost and scared.
OMG…what did I do? I know that I just ended everything with my dad. He is going to hate me now and never want to speak to me ever again. And it isn’t because I was overly mean or anything like that, I just know that he isn’t going to take it the way I would hope he does. I’m sorry to keep repeating myself. Not to be an overly dramatic person, but I would like to close my eyes and not wake up.
I asked my mom to come visit me this weekend. She just won’t fly. Her claustrophobia is too bad. I’ll never forget when I was 12, we were at Disney. We were getting ready to go on Pirates of the Caribbean. We started to walk through the queue line which goes through stone like tunnels. Well it was a really hot day and a lot of people were there. My mom started hyperventilating and panicking. We had to run out of there. It was funny and upsetting all at the same time. LOL. Aww…I miss my mom. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the money or the time to drive down for a few days. She said maybe in a few weeks. That way she can plan for it and save up. I was suppose to go back home in August, but that isn’t going to happen now.
I applied for my unemployment, but was reading today that you have to have worked for at least 6 months straight, I’ve only worked 5 months. If I don’t get unemployment or a job a.s.a.p, then I will be living in my car and eating crackers.
Speaking of eating, I just realized that I haven’t eaten a single thing since yesterday afternoon. I was hungry earlier, but then just ignored it. I shall eat something good tomorrow, or rather today. Maybe that’s why my dog isn’t eating, because I’m not eating. He did eat a little today, but not what he normally eats. He seems out of sorts too. I think it may be a direct effect of my shit mood.
I can’t believe it is 3:40am. I slept for a solid 6 hours yesterday. For some reason I don’t think I’ll sleep that well today. I am so full of energy.
So my so called friend, who is nothing but drama and a huge thorn in my side, got a job and is moving. If they were able to get a job, then I should definitely be able to get one soon. She’s moving hours away, so at least that is one cancerous person out of my life. Well, maybe two, depending on what my dad does.
I am just in a writing mood, but I’m not writing about anything interesting. I am going to wrap it up. Today will be a new day and I hope it’ll be a positive, happy day with no crisis or disasters.
My intution never fails me…again…
I guess my gut instinct was right. I was let go from my job. Technically I was laid off. At first I was so upset, sad and crying. I felt so ineffectual and loserish. Then I got very angry. I mean ANGRY. I yelled at nothing for a few minutes, just to get it out. Then I managed somehow to calm myself down. Then, unfortunately, I spoke to my father. I’m sorry, I know he is my dad and I try to respect that, but he pissed me off. He blamed me for losing the job, he said I must have fucked up and I’m nothing buy a failure of a human being. Real nice, huh? The sad thing is, for a few minutes I started to believe that I was a failure and waste of space. Then I remembered who it was coming from and was like fuck that. I am a good person, who is talented and smart. I’ll find another job.
However, now it is almost 5am. I haven’t slept yet. I’ve been up all night. i spent several hours sending my resume out. I sent my resume to 89 job postings I found online. I hope I get a call from a few of those places. I would love to be in a job come Wednesday. I was going to go to sleep after I finished that, but then I balanced my money and figured out everything I had to pay. I’m fucked. I don’t know how I’m gonna make rent this month. I’m sure I’ll figure it out. I put a bunch of stuff up for sale on craigslist. I have two things that I know I could sell to make some good money, but I just can’t bring myself to let go of them. They are special to me because my mom gave them to me, but I don’t know. The last thing I’m gonna do is move back to Jersey. Maybe my landlord will let me be later than usual with my rent. I have to deal with my dad today though, because said landlord told me he never got the check my dad mailed, but my dad said it was cashed. I have to bug my dad to get a copy of the check from his bank, so if it was cashed, then I don’t owe any rent this month. Oh the headache.
It pisses me off. I felt like finally I didn’t have to ask my dad for anything and now I’m in this situation. I filed for unemployment. I sent away for information on two colleges. I want to go back to school. I need a change. I need to find something I love to do.
I read an article tonight about stress. I think I’m killing myself with stress. I knew stress really hurts your body, but I didn’t realize how badly it does. I was finally feeling relief from the pain I’ve been having in my head, but it is back, in full force.
What is funny about this whole situation is that I’ve been so depressed for weeks now and now that I’m done with the work drama, I actually feel slightly better. Maybe I’m just on an emotional rollercoaster right now. I’m not suicidal, so that’s a good thing. That’s a HUGE improvement. LOL.
I can’t explain it, but I have this strange sense of peace. Kind of like, I know somewhere, deep down, that everything will be better. I will pull through this and persevere. There is something I want to do, but I don’t know if it is a good thing or bad thing. I want to write a letter to my father. I have so much I want to say to him. I want him to understand how I feel and how he makes me feel. I feel like it will either A)make him understand or B) piss him off so much, an enormous fight will ensue. So I don’t know. I know I’ll feel better. The other thing about writing the letter is I have all these things in my head that I want to say, but when I put it down on paper, it just sounds stupid or doesn’t translate correctly. I was just going to write it and not send it, at least I’ll get it out, but I know that it’ll just nag and nag at me.
Now I’m getting super tired. Maybe my brain thinks I have to blog before I go to sleep. LOL. I use to journal all the time before the wonderful world of blogging. I have over 15 notebooks filled with my thoughts and feelings. LOL. Too bad I can’t get paid for writing about my personal feelings about my life! That would be great.
This weekend coming up in July 4th weekend. My dad’s birthday in the 4th. I kinda wish my mom was coming to visit. This will be the first July 4th that I don’t have a bbq, or go to one, or go to fireworks with someone. It’s gonna be weird. I guess it’s part of growing up. I’m gonna work on my mom, maybe she’ll decide to come down. (And too my friend…you know who you are…you aren’t canceling your trip to see your family!!! I’ll be fine. )
Alrighty…I am going to get a few hours of sleep. Have the alarm set for 9. I have to set my alarm or else I’ll just end up sleeping all day and never get anything done.
Thanks to everyone who reads my blog and for the emails you’ve sent. I appreciate your encouragement and support.
Peace…
This weekend…
So this weekend was really cool. I went to pride with some friends. Too bad the heat got to me. I felt like such a lame ass. I really did. I felt like I was a party pooper, because I just couldn’t hang out that long. I was so dizzy and felt like I was going to throw up any minute. The pains in my chest were agonizing as well. Then I started having the worst panic attack. I tried really hard to hide it. I couldn’t breathe at one point. I couldn’t catch my breathe at all. I was so embarrassed. Thank god for my friend though…she gave me water and took care of me. The rest of the weekend basically consisted of lazying around in the pool.
Even though I had a great weekend, I still found myself coming back to my house at night and basically crying myself to sleep. I’m on Welbutrin, but for some reason, come night, I just start panicking and worrying about EVERYTHING. I really feel like something terrible it going to happen. I have really good intuition. It has never failed me. I just don’t know if right now if this feeling is my intuition or my depression.
Shit, my computer battery is almost dead. My charger died. It isn’t even a year old and it just won’t charge my computer. I just want to throw it against the wall. I guess I have to stop writing and just go lay in bed and stare at the TV for hours.
Tomorrow (well today) is going to be busy. I received an email from work, I have to go in for a meeting. After work, I am going to stop and buy two lottery tickets and then clean my closet. I have to clean it out and do laundry. I decided this place is so small, that I am going to clean it really good and pack up everything, except for the things I absolutely need. I might either put the stuff in storage then, or just hide is all away in my closet. That way I don’t have to look at it and deal with it. I just can’t deal with the mess anymore.
Battery is nearing complete death….good night.
This is ridiculous…
I haven’t gone to sleep yet. When I was getting ready to actually go to sleep around 2:30am, I looked down on the floor of my bedroom and saw a HUGE spider. Ick ick ick…. Needless to say, he scampered away and I couldn’t find him! I couldn’t fall asleep!!! I just kept picturing him crawling on me and biting me while I slept! This sucks major ass though, because I have a lot of work to finish up today and I am sooooooooooooo tired now. I hate living here with all these spiders. I have to bomb my house this weekend. There has to be an end to these spiders and roaches. I can’t take it anymore. After I finish my work, I’ll pull my clothes out and put them in plastic bags, so the bomb poison doesn’t get all over them. Then boom! Bam! kabang! I shall set off the bomb!
The idea of setting of the bug bomb creeps me out though. I picture myself coming back into my house and having to wade through knee deep bug carcasses. Ick! I am actually starting to have a panic attack just thinking about it. I just can’t handle it.
Oh wow…I want to sleep so badly right now, but I can’t. I have a conference call in 30 minutes. This is totally going to suck.
I am going to try and stay positive today. I have a feeling that this might end up being a good day, then again, now that I said that, it might just suck. I hope I didn’t jinx myself. LOL.
Alright…work time! Thank the gods it’s FRIDAY!!!! Woohoo!!!!
